*Jokes* Funny Christmas Jokes And Xmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes And Xmas Jokes

Merry Christmas to all dear friends.. Funny christmas jokes makes us more happy and funny on Xmas day as you are awaiting for this christmas day we are here with most humorous christmas funny jokes in order to make you Laugh out loud as much as we can .. Enjoy these jokes and share to all your friends and family members to make them happy on the auspicious day.

Funny Christmas Jokes

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Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!
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 Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
 A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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 Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
 A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live
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. Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
 A: He only comes once a year.
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 Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
 A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
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Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
 A: Claustrophobic
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. Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
 A: It doesn't have legs. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
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 Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
 A: Because he had low elf esteem. What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat? A Merry Can (American)
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 Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies?
 A: Snowballs.
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 Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
 A: North Polish. What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
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 Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
 A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
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Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
 A: Subordinate clauses The 4 stages of life:
 1. You believe in Santa Claus
 2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
 3. You dress up as Santa Claus
 4. You look like Santa Claus
 Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it
 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.
 There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?
 Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.
The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
 A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
 Dear Santa, I was framed.
 This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
 I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
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Funny Christmas Jokes And Xmas Jokes

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Q. What did the bread say to the man?
A. Nothing, bread can't talk.
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Q. What do ghosts say to one another to show that they care?
A. "I love BOO!"
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Q. In a green house lives a green man and in the pink house lives a pink man. Who lives in the white house?
A. The president.
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Q. What did the dressing say to the refrigerator?
A. "Shut the door I am dressing!"
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Q. What is the world's largest beverage?
A. MinneSODA. (Minnesota)
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Q. How do you make a sausage roll?
A. Push it down the hill!
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Q. What animal is NOT allowed to play in games or contests?
A. Cheetahs (cheaters)
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Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A. A clock.
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Q. How does Lady Gaga like her meat?
A. Raw raw raw!
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Q. What does the Invisible Man drink at snack time?
A. Evaporated milk.
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Q. Why did the cow cross the road?
A. To get to the MOOvies.
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Q. One day I was in my car and crashed into a pole. I died sadly. But when I got up to heaven I could see grandma standing with Adam and Eve. The question is how did I know it was Adam and Eve?
A. Because they had no belly-buttons!
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Q. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him?
A. None, it was Noah's ark.
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Q. What do you call a reptile that sings?
A. A RAPtile!
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Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Christmas Jokes And Xmas Jokes

Christmas funny jokes
Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story?
Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees!
Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
"Oh, common baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!
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Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, “What a marvellous train set. I’ll buy it.”
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, “Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.”
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, “Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.”
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And last, a dirty Christmas joke :D
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgeable.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my c*ck this way!!!”

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Teacher: What does the Christmas tree stand for?
Student: It would take too much room lying down.

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I wannabe tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
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Funny Christmas Jokes And Xmas Jokes

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
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Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
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Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carollers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
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Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
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Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.

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